In August, my mom was suddenly diagnosed with Multifocal Glioblastoma, a very aggressive and incurable form of brain cancer.
In November, she celebrated her 79th birthday. On Thanksgiving Day. How fitting.
But, what do you gift someone who is in the battle of their life?
I decided the best I could do is to say everything, all at once, to make sure she knows exactly how I feel about her: My mother. My best friend. My everything.
This is what I gave her.
FOR MOM, on her birthday
How can words alone communicate the infinite reach of this love?
How could mere letters on a page reflect the immeasurable whole of my gratitude?
How do I capture my appreciation for your multi-faceted and fascinating human soul in writing?
With what turn of phrase can I imbue you with this truth?
No literary device could ever suffice.
I am sorry.
I am grateful.
I love you.We are made of each other, two halves of one whole,
two pieces, separate yet inextricably together,
our DNA intertwined.
My heart was constructed by you, within you.I am the person I am today because you exist.
Because of the love you offered.
Because of the sacrifices you made.
Because of the hardships you endured.
All the fighting and the making up.
All the sleepless nights,
the days,
and years.
All of the laughter and all of the tears.You lived a whole life of your own before me,
and everything you did from that time forward
has made you the person I love with every fiber of my being.To me, you are every good thing you don’t see enough of in yourself:
strength, beauty, brilliance, radiance, courage, kindness, forgiveness, patience, charisma, warmth.
You have given so much of yourself for other people’s happiness.
You have created so much happiness in others by being yourself.I am sorry for every harm I have ever caused you.
I wish I could take it all back
(even though I know some of that strife has helped strengthen our bond)
All the pain and worry
and chaos and cost
The things I never said enough
and the things I should never have said at all.
When I took your love and support for granted
Or hid myself from you
The times I didn’t apologize, didn’t call, didn’t take your feelings into consideration.
I am sorry.
I am grateful.
I love you.
It took me too long to realize that you, too, are a complex human
I was too wrapped up in myself
for longer than was fair to you.
But I see you clearly now.
I see it all.
And I’m blinded by the incandescent brilliance
that is the whole of you.
The person you were before me.
The person you’ve become since.
Who you are with me.
And who you are without me.You embody everything love means to me.
You are a wonder of a woman.
You’ve fought long and hard for the life you live
And the lives you’ve enriched
And you deserve so much more than you have been given.Your resilience is remarkable
Your courage inconceivable
Your generosity a genuine gift.
You’ve taught me how to love myself: the me I see reflected in your eyes.
Because of how well you have loved me, I am able to champion my own child
so fiercely and fondly
without boundary or barrier
without condition or contingency.
I know that by making art in my life, I'm painting with your brush.
Thank you for giving me the tools I need to create magic by myself.
I know how hard you are on yourself. Too hard.
I need you to know that I forgive you
for your failures and flaws.
In fact, I love them and celebrate them
because they are evidence
of your humanity
and your journey.
They are parts of you
and I love you wholly.I know you’ve done your best
even if you ever feel your best wasn’t good enough
it has been more than enough for me.
Just like you only want the best for me
I only want the best for you
And right now, the best I can do
is to be here
to lend a hand
hold you close
open my heart
and tell you
the most important words I can say:I am sorry.
I am grateful.
I love you.Forever.